How a toxic relationship can teach you self-love

self-love

How a toxic relationship can teach you self-love

Yes, you read properly. What I should add to this is “once you’ve ended it”. However, if you find yourself still in it, this post may help you take the decision to leave.

Not so long ago, I was in such a relationship. It lasted about 6 months. I literally left the country at some point. It took me another couple of months to actually realise that this person never loved me. That it was all a game to him and that I was just another one of his toys he would use to make himself feel better, if that was possible.

However here’s what I learned from all this and why I am thankful for having gone through what felt like hell to me:

I attracted him into my life

Every moment, every choice you make define your reality and create it. Our world, the way we see it, live it, feel it is defined by the choices we make. How you choose to feel, which direction you choose to take, which job, which persons you choose to be around and so on. All this is based on how you feel. On the frequency you vibrate at. Because of that, you’re going to attract people who vibrate at the same level as you. Therefore, you attracted this person into your life, the same way I did.

Why did I attract him

Now the “old me” would have gone into this negative loop of beating myself up for that. Or victimising myself. This time, I chose not to. Instead, I did a bit of research to understand why I had attracted him into my life. I had to understand where it was coming from in order to stop the cycle. What I found was that I didn’t love myself enough. That was a huge realisation for me.

What is self-love deficiency

I realised I had to start focusing on that. I found out that I grew up in a very controlling environment, ruled by conditional love. This puts a belied in your mind that if you’re being yourself, you can’t be loved. From then on, I knew I had to focus on learning how to love myself if I wanted things to change in my life. But first and foremost, I had to remember or re-discover who I was.

Learning to put my boundaries

The first thing I learned was to start putting my own boundaries. Stop pleasing people. I never thought myself as a people pleaser but I actually was. Being able to do that really was liberating to me. I started to act as an adult instead of acting as a child. I started to own “me” and to be ok with that. Now it didn’t happen overnight. And I can’t even tell you how many times I had to tell to this voice in my head to shut it up. But over time it got better. To the point where it’s just a non-negotiable now. The funny thing is that by doing so, as you change your vibration and raise your frequency, people feel that and change the way they are with you too. Something that would have been a big deal before becomes ok. Witnessing that is pretty powerful.

Learning to love myself

I realised I would always wait for someone else to “take care” of me. Treating myself was something that I really wasn’t familiar with. However over time, I started to pay attention to that and started to treat myself. At the beginning it felt weird. I had a hard time enjoying whatever it is I was doing on my own. But with practice, it actually became something nice to do. Learning to not wait for anyone to make you feel like you’re worth it is so important. You are worth it just by being you. And anyone who doesn’t see that, who wants to change you to their own wishes, is not someone you want to be around. You deserve way better than that. Someone who loves you for who you are, not for who they want you to be.

This is why today, I am thankful for having met this person. Because all of that has made me become more of who I truly am. It has allowed me to know what I want and what I don’t want in a relationship. You have the power to decide for yourself. Do not waste your life trying to be someone you’re not in order to try to please someone else. Instead, be you, and let the right person show up in your life.

xoxo

Sandra

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